From Referee to Relaxation (Helping Your Kids with Conflict)
Kids are interesting. One moment they’re laughing, playing, and having a great time… the next moment they’re arguing and fighting — a full-fledged conflict. What!?
photo: Pinterest
Whether at school with friends or at home with siblings, kids are going to have disagreements and hurt feelings. We know you ultimately want your Smart Kids to become Smart Adults… so how do you help when kids inevitably have conflict?
5 Ways to Help Kids Work Out a Conflict
1. Listen and learn
Getting your child to communicate with words — not fists — is important. You can rest assured that listening thoughtfully to your child is the most important thing you can do. When you let him have your full attention while he explains the conflict, you help him learn a healthy way to decompress — and he begins to feel understood.
(Bonus: it gives you time to think about a best course of action!)
2. Boost problem solving techniques
Ask your child how she thinks the problem could be solved. Guide her toward the best solution and encourage her to carry it through. Even if she decides not to act, practicing the process will teach her and give her confidence for solving future conflicts.
3. Solve by asking
On that note, another great strategy is to brainstorm for solutions by giving her a chance to respond to prompts, like:
- “I wonder if Lara understands that you would like to play with the basketball, too.”
- “I wonder what Sean would do if you suggested taking turns on the bike.”
- “I wonder if the teacher knows that you would like to be the line leader.”
You can keep these conversation starters in your back pocket to guide your child to the best resolution.
4. Give kids the opportunity to work it out
When it comes to conflict, instinctively parents want to rescue their kids. Totally normal. But oddly enough, while rescuing feels like the right thing to do, sometimes it can be counterproductive. Much of the time kids are actually able to work out their own problems. A little time, a little negotiation, and somehow it all works out. Self-confidence and independence: what great skills to learn at a young age!
5. Help your child deal with reality
Here’s your permission to let your kid know not every problem in life can be fixed. Oh, how we wish it were all sunshine and roses for our wonderful kiddos! But sometimes it’s just not. Sometimes people just don’t do what we’d like them to do. And sometimes we don’t get what we want.
Tough? Maybe a little. But what a gift to your children: to learn these lessons slowly, with the guidance of a loving parent, than to face the teen years and adulthood underprepared.
Children who have a hand in solving their own predicaments seem to be more in control, capable, and confident in life. May our kids enter adulthood ready and able to live out what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. could only dream just over 50 years ago…
“Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream was a manifestation of hope that humanity might one day get out of its own way by finding the courage to realize that love and nonviolence are not indicators of weakness but gifts of significant strength.”
― Aberjhani, Illuminated Corners: Collected Essays & Articles Volume I
So what do you think? When was a time you had to step in? Or a time you let your child work it out? How did it go? Let us know in the comments!
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