What to Do When Your Child Listens to Music You Don’t Approve Of
“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent.” ― Victor Hugo
Hundreds of years ago, Victor Hugo may have never dreamed about what we have as a reality today. Hugo died 20 years before the Wright Bros decided to take to the skies. 90 years before anyone traveled across the Atlantic by air. Instant musical gratification? He was out of luck. No one was sharing their favorite songs with him via Spotify. Poor Victor Hugo.
Cue the spotlight on our incredible privilege… to be born in this time, in this country, with such opportunity to experience this powerful, global, connecting force that we call music… well, to quote my close, personal friend Spider-Man, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Kids & Their Music
As parents, it’s part of our job to teach our kids responsible media usage. This comes more naturally when they’re young. But as children become adolescents, parents usually pay less attention to the music, movies, and other media that captures their children’s attention (according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry).
That’s kind of a sobering thought. We know research shows that teenagers actually use the part of the brain called the amygdala differently than an adult would — causing that classic risk-taking, impulsive, emotional behavior. Put shortly, they haven’t developed their brains to fully function yet, so teens need our help as much as our young kids do — maybe even more when you factor in the increasing likelihood that they will be faced with more choices outside the home.
To be very clear, I am not talking about censorship. What I do suggest is that we equip our kids with the information they need to make wise decisions on their own — because they will be making these choices independently someday, probably soon.
Let me tell you about the day the music died. No, not that one. It was when I was but a wee middle school lass, and one of my best friends had just discovered The Beatles.
You think you know how this story ends? I assure you, you do not. Keep reading!
She made me a mixtape (remember those!?) of some of her favorite Beatles songs because I didn’t know much beyond She Loves You and Help!
I felt so cool listening to those songs, discovering Hey Jude, Eleanor Rigby and Yesterday (still one of my favorites). But my Dad? When I asked him if we could listen to my mixtape in the car, he kind of flipped. His mind must have gone to his little girl doing drugs and listening to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds on repeat.
I’m sorry. What?
Being a 6th grader, I didn’t understand why a song about a walrus was so bad. I might have benefitted more from him talking about it with me, rather than stashing the tape on top of the refrigerator (PLOT TWIST!) — as if I couldn’t get to it ALL. THE. WAY. UP. THERE.
So what’s a parent to do?
1. Know What Your Child Listens To (and Watches)
This might be a tough one, as kids’ music taste isn’t — ahem — very palatable sometimes. But you need to know what types of music your child (and his or her peers) listens to.
This also goes for music videos and movies. A study in 2000 showed that 80% of music videos on MTV, VH1, and BET contained at least 1 violent interaction and rarely were the “bad guys” brought to justice. This sends a subtle message that violence is okay — or at the very least it’s ambiguous about consequences.
Drug and substance abuse is another thing to listen for. Studies remind us that songs in a variety of genres talk about the experience of being high or drunk while rarely talking about consequences, trying to quit, or seeking help. It’s actually often depicted as a way of avoiding dealing with problems — not exactly healthy behavior.
What you need to know is that well-known educational psychology researcher Albert Bandura says that adolescents and children learn through observation first. Then they test and integrate their observations into their understanding of the world. If they see something that is portrayed in a realistic setting, they can more easily make room for it in their image of how the world works — and maybe even identify with it. By extension, when kids see or hear unhealthy experiences without consequences, it adds to the general acceptability of these behaviors.
Put more simply, if children or teens have seen it (or heard it), they’re more likely to incorporate it into what they think is “normal.”
2. Talk to Your Child
Classic teen behavior dictates that they won’t want to hear what parents have to say. So avoid the temptation to lecture!
Instead, try asking your child to let you listen to a song they really like right now. Then ask them what they like about it, what lyrics are meaningful to them.
This will give you a little information about their musical preferences and tastes. You can look up the band/song/lyrics later online and see if there are any themes or lyrics that aren’t ideal.
If you find anything questionable, go back to your child and talk about it. Don’t do what my Dad did and confiscate with nary a reason — or next thing you know, they’ll be looking on top of the metaphorical refrigerator for the “mixtape” or whatever the kids are into these days.
Tell your teen compassionately what you have a problem with and why — and then ask them to help you come up with an good solution. Maybe it’s just one song that’s the problem. She could delete that track off her iPod.
Or maybe you have a problem with that artist. Again, tell them why and talk about the problem. Try to come up with a solution together, like finding another artist that has a similar style of music but none of the questionable content.
3. Watch for Any Warning Signs
Hey, Mom and Dad, you’re doing a great job. If you’ve gotten this far, remember to relax! Simply be on the lookout for these things:
Aggression
- Research suggests that there is a strong correlation between what music a person listens to and aggressive tendencies — be they mental, emotional, verbal, or physical forms.
- A 2003 study showed that violent songs increase feelings of hostility for a while after listening. They believe it’s possible that long-term exposure could cause an aggressive personality.
- So if you continually notice aggressive behavior in your child after they listen, then you might make note to talk about it once they’ve calmed down.
Harmful Behaviors
- Be on the lookout for anything that encourages harmful thoughts or behaviors. This isn’t just unpleasant feelings, like a breakup song. (That’s normal and doesn’t indicate an at-risk trajectory. Music can be a great way of processing those hard-to-wrestle with emotions.)
- Instead, you’re looking for traumatic stressors or things that a counselor would have to break confidentiality to report to an adult.
- School counselors have actually used lyrics to help kids identify harmful thought patterns and learn how to correct these. If your child identifies one of these types of songs as a favorite, listen to it with him and ask what the lyrics mean to him. He may just like the music, or he may actually need help processing some negative emotions. Removing the music won’t remove the emotions — so help him work through it and give him the tools he needs!
Have any must-hear artists to share with the rest of us? Maybe something our kids could enjoy instead of something — ahem — unsavory? I’m all ears for your suggestions or if you want to hear mine. Just let me know in the comments!
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6 thoughts on “What to Do When Your Child Listens to Music You Don’t Approve Of”
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What a fascinating and helpful post. I haven’t considered this as my girls are very young and don’t really select their own music. I’ll have to keep this in mind for when they’re older.
Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.
Wishing you a lovely weekend.
xoxo
Yes, Jennifer! I have little ones, too, and I am constantly filing away this kind of stuff to remember for when they get a little older. Researching this article was fascinating to me, too. Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. 🙂
My parents were both the same as your dad. There answer to my “why” was “because I said
so”. Now that I’m a parent I try to have an open relationship with all my kids and probably talk to them a lot more than they want:) Thanks for sharing this with us at the Teach Me Tuesday Linky Party.
You’re so welcome. Thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts! I agree– and sometimes I also wonder if I’m talking about things MORE than my kids want me to! Haha.
My daughter is very interested in classical music. She is 15, and just in the past year or so has been moving toward Opera. (I know this sounds like there couldn’t possibly be a problem, right?). Well, I did not ever think I would have a problem with any of these kinds if music, but in Opera, the pieces are all an actual story. Many of the stories are horrible. One of them is a story of a man who goes around raping women. One girl’s father tries to stop him and he kills the father. He gets away and pursues after other women, tricking and using them, breaking up couples, lying to everyone. Then a ghost statue of the dead father comes to life, and goes to a party at the horrible guy’s house. He takes him by the hand and the horrible guy bursts into the flames of hell and is sucked into eternal hell.
Oh my gosh! I had no idea this was the kind of thing Opera was about. A lot of the pieces are very tragic and bleak, like this one. She knows I don’t like the blackness of the stories, so last night she lied to me about something to do with it. I am feeling like…I mean…crazy! It is so horrible…the feeling of your child putting something dark into themselves, and you feel hopeless as to be able to do anything. She feels I’m coming between her and her dream. She is very very fixated on Opera. I haven’t forbidden it, but have told her that she has to have other things she spends her time on. And I asked her to Google positive Opera stories, and no tragic ones for now. But, I feel even talking about it has caused hard feelings from her toward our relationship. This breaks my heart in two! This is a very difficult subject matter. I feel having such horrid subject matter drilled into her brain is unbearable and I want to totally forbid it. But, if I do, then she feels I’m the bad guy and relationship is broken. This is so difficult! ;” ((
Working through…
Wow, I had no idea either. My exposure to opera is pretty limited… I’ve been to 2 in my life. (Yikes, side note to self: learn more about opera.) I think it’s great that your daughter has something she’s so passionate about, but you’re right to be cautious about the content of these shows. The one you described (sounds like Mozart’s Don Giovanni, based on the Don Juan legend in Europe?) is certainly… um… well, probably inappropriate for a 15 year old. Surely there are some operas that have more appropriate content… at least I hope!!
I’d advise doing a little online research together. Involve her in the process and come to a conclusion collaboratively so it’s less of a “me vs. you” thing and more of a “I want to help you pursue your passion in a healthy way.” It’s so tough when you have to have these difficult conversations with your growing child, but it’s all part of her gaining independence and learning what she will need to know to make good decisions as an adult. It’s a good thing to let her know that and bring her into the conversation to help her understand the reasoning behind your reservations.
You may also go with her to see a performance and then talk about it afterwards. Highlight some of what you liked and ask her what she liked about it. Ask her if there was anything in the plot that didn’t sit well with her or was strange, and then talk about it in a healthy way. Help her process those things in a positive way. I mean, Don Giovanni’s lifestyle choices caused some pretty bad things to happen to him. There’s a moral lesson in there somewhere (though I’m not too fond of the frightening imagery and scare tactics they use to make the point). And at the very least, you get to spend some time with your daughter encouraging her in one of her interests. That’s a good thing!
Best wishes to you as you work through this new challenge. We’re rooting for you and your daughter both! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and telling us about your situation. I really appreciate that you would share a bit of your story with us.